Pee...Piss...Widdle...Piddle...Wee.

However you want to call it I am finding it ALL OVER THE HOUSE!

I went to sit on the couch but sat RIGHT on a damp spot - leaned in for a closer inspection... experiemental whiff - piss was on the couch! - Washed all the covers, my clothes that had sat on the "spot"...sprayed it with everything I could find....yuck. (still get whiffs every now and then).

A few days later - piss in the laundry basket ALL OVER THE DIRTY LAUNDRY! Thankgod it was the dirty laundry.  That same day I found a poo in my wardrobe.

I decided that it must be the cat.

Then on the next few visits from the kids there were numerous bed-wetting incidents....which got me thinking.......was it fair to be blaming all the pee incidents on the cat?  The cupboard poo, yes definetly - I couldn't imagine the kids taking the time and effort to sneak into my room, into my wardrobe to leave a little poo present.  Also, I couldn't imagine them pissing on the laundry - who does that?
But, the couch incident is a different matter - it's happened a couple of times now - and always when they've been visiting. And the smallest, who is only 3 and utterly adorable, is not completely toilet trained. She would rather hold on, and then quietly piddle where she sat, rather than miss out on any of the fun of the elder children.
Hmmmm, so I don't know what to do.  Whenever I see her squirming uncomfortably or holding on to her front I ask her, "Do you need to go to the toilet?" but am always met with the same, "No!" or the "I've just been" - which of course is a lie, unless there is the tell-tale wet patch on her pants, which then sends me into a quiet frenzy of tearing around the house to find what it is she just piddled on.

But then the other day, as I was cleaning the kids room, I found one of the kids draws (the younger two) had been pulled out and all the clothes pissed on....... Like someone had just pissed INTO THE DRAWER!!!?
And a few days befor that I found POO IN THE SHOWER!!!!

IN THE SHOWER!!!!!!!  Three little poos in the shower tray and some poo smeared on the wall!!


WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?  IS THIS NORMAL? The poo in the shower can't be the cat - how the hell would she smear it all over the wall????

I'M LIVING IN A DEN OF FILTH! 
I'M FIGHTING A LOOSING BATTLE WITH CATS AND KIDS! 
I'M TERRIFIED AT WHAT I'M GOING TO FIND EACH DAY AND I DON'T KNOW WHO'S DOING IT!!!


ARE THEY TRYING TO DRIVE ME INSANE?

Under-nourished....

This is a blog about some really shit service we (me and a few friends of mine) have been receiving at a certain cafe on the island......lets just call it Shitty Mc Nellies! (if you live on the island then the title of my blog will give it away).

Befor I go into this let me just say that there is one shinning star there. The waitress, lets just call her Little Miss Chirpy Chirp - she is absolutely lovely, always in a good mood, doesn't faff around - pleasant service - if I owned a cafe I'd hire her!!! She must be saved from Shitty Mc Nellies!

Ok - a couple of months ago I went to SMcNs for breakfast with my dear friends Yellow and Blue.  I arrived late and they were already well into their breakfasts so I just ordered a savoury muffin and a coffee.  The coffee arrived......but the muffin took a wee while so by the time it got to me I was ravenous and almost devoured it with my eyes!  I got my knife and cut it through the middle  ready for the obligatory butter smearing - but befor I could do anything I was struck by how the muffin seemed to still be attached and wasnt falling open as it should - I gave it a nudge and the two halfs kinda slowly fell apart, revealing this long blondish/grey hair that was joining the two halfs.  Repulsed and half mad from hunger I took it over to the waitress and said (half apologetically and half grumpy - cause I'm sorry and I know it's not her fault but I am hungry and gonna have a grump) "Ahhh, sorry but I can't eat this - there's a hair" - and the waitress was lovely about it. She had a glance, was as repulsed as I, and hurriedly took it off my hands offering me another in its place, - "No, no, I'm nearly finished my coffee, I'll just get something at the bakery" (as IF I want another possibly hair-filled muffin, what if I ate a mouthful and didn't realise there was a hair til it was IN MY MOUTH!).  And so it was, that when breakfast was finished I went up to pay for my coffee - "That'll be $9.00" said SMcNs co-owner  Whingey Moan Bitchalot.
Me: "Oh no, thats not right, you see I didn't have the muffin [stage side whisper] there was a huge hair in it".
WMB: "Well, did you DO anything about it? Or did you just eat part of it and then see the hair and not eat the last part?"
What the hell!?  What happened to "customers always right"? I mean, I've worked in Hospo so I know thats a lie, it's "customers always placated and then bitched about behind their back" - but I wasn't feeling placated at all - more attacked!!
Me: "Actually, I did do something. As soon as I cut into your muffin (I said noting her long blondish/grey hair) it was impossible NOT to notice the huge hair sticking out from both halfs.   I didn't eat any of it, but rather brought it immediately over to the counter, to the waitress,  and it has been sitting here on the counter for the last 20 minutes" (I said gesturing to said muffin).
WMB: "[hmpf] well, ok, $4.00"
Not even an apology for her hair being in the muffin, or for having a go at me about it...nothing, just said the price and shoved out her hand. Greedy No-social-skills Meanie!


You'd think that little episode would have taught me.  But skip forward to last week and my dear friend, Purple and I are searching for somewhere to brunch.  We needed somewhere central.....so SMcNs seemed the logical choice.  I had rationalized the bad experience, putting it all down to that one woman, Whingey Moan Bitchalot. Her mere presence had resulted in hair filled muffin and horrible pay experience, and general eat-out scarrage. However, we checked befor sitting and she was no-where to be seen, and only 2 table besides us. "Ok, things will be good" I reassured myself as I sat down.  I had a look round for Little Miss Chirpy Chirp but she didn't seem to be working that day.  Instead a rather flustered middle-aged woman with the same dullish blondy grey hair came bowling up to us thrusting menus as she demanded, "You want breakfast!?"
"Yes! Yes we do!" - we were bright, cheerful and full of optimism - obviously the complete opposite of her at that moment.
"Right, coffee?"
We each ordered our coffees and she left us to look at the menus. About 5 minutes later a big table of 7 arrived, and another 2 smaller tables. We were ready to order but she was bustling around with menus and water for the new arrivals so we sat and patiently waited. About another couple of minutes went by and then the barista came to our table - "Are you ready to order?"
"Yes please!" - and so we gave him our orders, Eggs Bene for Purple and Bacon and Eggs for me.
"And coffees?" asked our barista.
"Errrm, we ordered those with the lady when we first arrived"
"Oh! Well, that order must be waiting for me up at the counter.." and off he went.
Queue slight apprehension." Ok, ok, so it's been 10 minutes in a quiet cafe.....no coffees....but he KNOWS that we've ordered them, so he'll be on to it now......surely?" 
Another 5 minutes passes in which time we see the table of 7 and one of the other smaller tables receiving THEIR coffees....but still none for us. When the waitress comes out with our breakfasts and plonks them on the table purple asks for some salt and pepper and I ask, "And have you forgotten to put our coffee orders in?" - as NICELY as I possibly can, considering I've been served FOOD quicker than a friggin COFFEE! And she gets REALLY flustered now and says, "They're on their way, sorry, the Barista's really slow" - THE CHEEK! To blame the Barista, who was anything BUT slow, considering he ended up having to, as well as make coffee, come and take our orders cause she was TOO SLOW to do it......So anyway, then we see her bustle over to the counter, searching for something, obviously our coffee order, in her apron....that makes me soooo mad! We aren't blind - we have been watching this whole morning unfold.  She has a total of about 7 tables.  But 2 had already been served befor we arrived and there was a good deal of spacing between the rest. She is just not with it that morning. Its obvious - but BLAMING the barista!? cheeky, cheeky, cheeky....
Anyhoo - no complaints from me over the food.  No hair! Yay! And it tasted lovely! Yummo. I don't think Purples was as nice as mine. I'm not sure if that was what I thought cause she's a vego and there was no meat, or if that is what she said. Anyway, we finished and weren't ones to linger so I went up and paid while she watched Lulu (my sisters adorable dog that I was watching - I shall insert photo later because I love her so!) and then as I came back to the table I had to pass the flustered waitress. That thing happened when you both go one way,  then the other, so I stopped and moved aside, but she was SO FLUSTERED she bolted forward like a deer caught in headlights, and walked right into a chair (luckily unoccupied)! She stopped as if to steady it, but then at the last moment she didn't and instead walked off, letting the chair crash to the ground!  Everyone just looked at everyone else, all of us with our mmm hmmmmm eyebrows, "That woman is not with it" the two women at the table whose chair had been knocked said to me as I picked up and pushed in the poor chair. I agreed with another mmm hmmm eyebrow raise and nod.  I then took Lulu to the car and waited for purple to pay.....and waited.......and waited....and waited....
Turns out when poor Purple had gone up to pay there'd been 2 or 3 other people waiting up there also. The Barista was busy pumping out coffees, and the waitress kept coming up and giving him more and more orders...rather than taking a moment to let him catch up, and to serve the queue at the counter. So on her 4th time up of ignoring the queue the Barista goes, "Can you serve some of these people please" and she goes, "I'm busy!" but stops long enough to serve one man and then, without a word to the rest, just walks off again. Purples tolerance level had just been reached:
Purple: "[to the back of the uptight waitress] Hey!  [to the barista] Hey look, I'm sorry - but that was truly unprofessional and rude. To just walk off like that. We've been waiting here for ages. We need some service"
Barista: "Yes, but she's very busy, we both are"
Purple: "Yes I understand that. But we are waiting here trying to pay you"
Barista: "Well, patience is a virtue!"
At this point, if it had been me, I probably would have grabbed the nearest heavy object and hurled it whilst screaming at him, "PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE!".  Purple however was taking a different, calmer approach.
Purple: I'm trying to give you money. I just want you to take my money so I can leave! Don't you want my money?"
Barista: "Haha, no of course not, ok then, just leave"
Purple: "Ok then" - and she turned and proceeded to exit the building...
Barista: " I WAS JOKING! Clearly. Obviously you have to pay!"
Purple: "Well then, can you PLEASE just TAKE MY MONEY!".

As we drove away the rest of Purples queue comrades were lined along the driveway like a guard of honour to wave at their brave hero who stood up for them in their darkest hour.... (slight dramatisation, they happened to be outside having a smoke so offered friendly waves as we passed by.....but I like the other way I said it better).

Now - if I thought that those bad experiences were all due, in some weird way, to me, like I'm a jinx or something, I have since heard of another bad experience from a friend who went in for breakfast with her boyfriend - a chef.
He ordered french toast - but when he got it, it was cooked on the outside, but still really, REALLY soggy on the inside. He isn't one to complain in a restaurant, but as it was inedible he had to say something. He beckoned the waitress over (queue Whingy Moan Bitchalot) and offered up the plate saying, "I'm sorry but this isn't quite cooked". WMB looked at it, then at him, then back at it, then took the plate to the kitchen, then came back a secound later with it in its exact same state and said, "Chef says that thats how it's supposed to be" - now, bear in mind that WMB is saying this TO A CHEF - but she just doesn't know it.   Again, he says, "I'm sorry, they may be, but this is not cooked". A stare off ensued. And I don't think the outcome was good for my friends. But I'm pretty sure they won't be returning either. So thats now 4 people I know will never eat there again. All due to bad, bad, service from some bitchy, bitchy staff. And not even the bright star that is Little Miss Chirpy Chirp can pull that place out of the deep dark hole that it has sunk into.

People, you have been warned. Stay away from that place of horrors. Stay far, far away.

Kids say the darndest things....

Here are a few:

 "I can chop my leg off if I want!"

Child: "Can I open the door while we're driving, what will happen?"
Adult: "Well, either you'll fall out, or we'll pull the car over and you'll be walking."
Child: "Well, if you try and make me walk then I'll just climb on the car and hang on to the roof"

"I'm practicing being dead"

"You are what you say! You are what you say! You are what you say!"

Adult: "Why haven't you eaten your kumara?"
Child: "It tastes yuck!"
Adult: "How do you know? You haven't tried it yet!"
Child: "I just know!"

"If someone tried to kidnap me I'd just kick them in the face!"

Child 1: "Poooooooh, who dun a fart?"
Child 2: "Not me"
Child 3: "Not me"
Child 1: "Who can smell fart?"
Child 3: "Not me"
Child 1: "Ewwwww, YOU DUN IT! Ewwwwwww!"

(Please note: Spelling mistakes are intentional.  It pains me to do so but I feel they are needed)

Child: "Dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, daaaaaaaad, dad, dad, dad, dad, DAD!?"
Adult: "WHAT!?"
Child: "Errrrrr, I can't remember".

"How far away are you from dying?"

"How long am I going to live?"  (child has been given the reassuring age of "around 75")

"What if I just want to whack you?"

Adult: "Are you a witch?"
Child: "Yes! A wicked one!"

"What would happen if I just threw this in your face?"

A day of bemusements

Here are some weird things that have happened today:




My boyf was off to Rugby practice and wasn't going to be home for dinner. So I was thinking I'd cook something anyway, for him to have when he got back. But then I thought about popping in on my mum instead, around dinner time.....but then I thought that would be a little naughty of me so I went back to the idea of cooking something - though we didn't have anything in the fridge, so off to the supermarket I went.....and who do I come across in the supermarket....my mum! - Coincidence.

She was talking to a friend of hers about another friend just as I walked up I heard the friend say, "and, oh yes, I came across shelly there too...." - and then I said hello, had a chat, and left them to it.....I walked all through the supermarket and came back upon them, in exactly the same place and the friend was saying, "and, oh yes, I came across shelly there too...." - Ground hog Day Spookiness!!!

Then on my drive back home I could have sworn I saw a swarm of mice (do they "swarm"?) racing along the road STRAIGHT at my car!! But it turned out that it was just a bunch of autumn leaves being propelled at me by this turbulent wind....but it seemed so incredibly real, that for one secound I thought I was having an acid flashback!

Then when I got home I was pottering about, making cups of tea and playing on the xbox when all of a sudden one of the mighty gusts of wind must've blown something fierce cause 3 doors all over the house opened simultaneously and wind came down the chimney flue with this really weird "wwwwrrrrrrrrrroooouuuu" kinda grumbly-groan. - Freaky Deaky Wind Scariness!!!!!

The dog has been super-crazy-cute today - wigging out at every sound, looking and sounding terrified everytime either of us went to the bathroom (- she hates that room - not sure if its the putrid poo smells us humans produce or.....a scary ghost that lives in there and wrenches the door open at unexpected times..oooOOOOOooooo) wanting to scuttle under the blankets, pop out the side of the bed and zoom round the house every half an hour or so. - Mini Cute Freakiness!

And hmmmm....what else.....oh yes...apparently I will never have to work again for, even though I didn't enter any "phone lottery" apparently I have won £400,000 in the 2010 mobile draw - and all i have to do to claim this money is email them at their yahoo address....

Must sign off now - the wind is slamming the outside gate into the side of my room and I'm scared it's gonna go right through the wall!

Adieu!

Disillusioned Dog Walker.....

Well - the dog walking doesn't seem to be going as well as I would like.  When I started I envisioned myself as Jennifer Lopez' character in Monster in Law - that happy, free spirited dog walker, who walked out her door, and picked up about 7 dogs along her walk....strolling carefree along the beach, in the sun, with a coffee, then had a little sit and ponder while the dogs all obediently lay next to her..then up again, and dropping them all home....a couple of hours walking and you've made a decent living....enough for a starbucks soy chai latte at any rate.
    Well - silly me for watching too many movies and believing that I too can live the life of the bohemian dog walker. The reality is horribly horribly cruel.

I walk one dog 5 times a week for the paltry sum of blah! Which barely covers my petrol...but at least I get excercise. I walk another two dogs 3 times a week, also for blah, but here's what annoys me....really chaffs my inners (is that even a saying? It is now!) - is that the first dog, lives no-where near the other two....so I can't walk them together....which means that once again....I have to DRIVE all over this godforsaken island to each appointment, and then what I make walking just covers the petrol....and maybe a coffee. hmpfh. AND the two dogs that I walk live in such a great spot - near a couple of beaches, and this beautiful esplanade...but their owner doesn't want them going to either of these spots as she doesn't want them "getting dirty" - so the "fun" part of the job, CHOOSING THE ROUTE, has now been taken away from me, and all that is left is to walk them on the noisy man road.....oh and they don't just do one poo each.....oh no......they each do about 3 little poos all along the course of our walk..along the main road....so there I am, squatting down in front of cars, with my sleeve rolled up, the plastic bag on my hand, trying to pick up their still warm faeces - and then....it starts raining.

I had forgotten rain would be an  important factor in dog walking. I have been caught in the rain a couple of times now and have been consequently in bed with an annoying cold for the last few days...unwilling to expend the energy required to walk those little buggers, and unable to (thank god) due to the immense pour down we just had yesterday.  I had thought that come rain or come shine I'd be out there, walking those dogs - but the reality is - I have no raincoat, I have no gumboots, the owners probably don't want their animals being walked in that weather anyway...and I certainly don't want to get life threatening pneumonia all for the sake of a couple of bucks. So - what shall I do for the winter?

 I have already decided - I'm gonna become a commuter.  Gonna be a city-side worker. Been to a couple of interviews - I'll keep ya posted.  In the meantime, I shall continue walking those little bastards of joy....I mean bundles........

peace out.

Dentures and new clients!

My nana has early onset dementia, which means she looses things quite alot - this week she lost her false teeth.  It's amazing how different your face looks when you have no teeth there to fill your mouth out. Instead the skin just hangs, making the person look about 20 years older!!! I hunted high and low and eventually found her upper false teeth underneath her closet! Yay!!!!! Instant youthful appearance restored.  Couldn't find the lower dentures anywhere and mum said they'd been missing for months already.
WHERE can they be!!!? It's bugging the hell out of me!

I have 2 new dogs to walk next week.  They're my old boss'  dogs, Lucy and McVitie.  The owner said, "it's amazing that they're both still here actually!" and I was like, "how do you mean?" and he said, "Well, they both nearly died in the last 2 months...."  (this doesn't instill alot of confidence in me) ...        " Lucy had a great big cancer but we got it cut out and she's doing great, and McVitie cut himself and didn't stop bleeding, and we found out he's -------"
"A HEMOPHILIAC!!!?"............what are the odds? This is ridiculous!!!!!

Apparently rat poison might be to blame.  I shall investigate this.

The mouse...

Last night whilst lying in bed reading some awesome blogs on Scientician I caught a slight movement out of the corner of my eye. I turned to see what it was, and there, scuttling under my linen chest, was a mouse! aaaaiiiieeee! I couldn't move. I watched it as it stopped to get a lay of the surroundings. It then continued on into my closet, to settle, for a moment, in my handbag. I was, by this time, quite worried, as in it's little journey it seemed to be making its way slowly round the room towards my bed....and me!!!! eeeeeeek!

I thought I heard it scratching behind the bookcase that was just a few inches from my bed....

"It's getting closer!!! It's coming to get me!!!" , I rather over-dramatically thought. But then all of a sudden I saw it shot out FROM UNDER MY BED (I have no idea how it got there, it was so fast, so stealth....I never saw it coming!!!) and shot back under the bedroom door into the lounge from whence it came. I took this moment to pounce - grabbing some nearby clothes and jamming them under the door to make his re-appearance impossible. Unfortunately, all the excitement really made me want to pee, and 20 minutes later I had to move the clothes to get the door open, risking the return of monsieur mousie and all his accompanying germs and fleas.

When I got back from the scared-of-the-mouse-pee I had no way of knowing if the mouse was there or not, so I brought a little minder to keep me safe - our cat (an expert in the art of stalking) Bling. I sealed the door up again with my jeans (a door snake would have come in so handy right then) and settled Bling on top of the bed. I hopped in too (after first tearing all the bedding off to check for stowaways) and switched off the light - safe in the knowledge that if monsieur mousie moved an inch Bling would hear it and pounce...ah sleep.

A couple of hours later I felt the cat leap off the bed.

"Ahhh, you fought a brave, but ultimately stupid battle monsieur - may your passing be swift, adieu!" ....and I was instantly back asleep.

....A couple more hours later however and the battle appeared to still be going. I turned the light on to see what was happening. Bling had him in her mouth, she opened it and he dropped on the floor. I thought he was dead but then all of a sudden he made a mad dash for the door. Bling lazily swatted him with her paw and he went flying back under a bag of cds. He made another desperate attempt, only to be swatted again. I felt an awful pang of remorse rip through me. This poor little mouse, who probably only wanted to come in to get out of the cold...to warm his little paws on my rug and discarded socks. This mouse who I trapped, like a little monkey in a cage with a lion.....oh the guilt, THE GUILT!

I couldn't go through with the murder. I pulled the jeans out of the way and half opened the door. Monsieur Mouse departed, half mangled but still with enough life left in him to want to keep it! Stupidly the door was also open enough for the cat to get that paw in and wrench it open further. Last I saw was the mouse fleeing to the relative safety of the underneath of the bed. I was satisfied, "There are holes aplenty for the mouse to escape from I'm sure" I thought as I switched off the light, closed my door and went back to bed.

If you like happy endings you may want to just leave it there.

If however you've got to know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but then continue reading.

The following morning the boyfriend was saying he was woken early by the cat playing in HIS room with the poor STILL ALIVE mousie!!! She'd obviously found him again, and unable to come show off to me she'd opted to go upstairs to give her dad a present. He picked up the dishevelled, mostly-dead mouse and put him outside in the garden.

If your heart is starting to tear but you still hold out hope then stop reading now.

Bling wasn't happy with her game being ended. She bolted out the door hot on mousie's heels.

This is the last either of us saw of monsieur mouse.

I feel just awful about this. Have just watched Fievel singing on An American Tale, "Never Say Never" and I'd like to hold out hope that our little monsieur got away from Bling Bling. It is possible - she'd been up all night tormenting him, and her plate of food was just outside where mousie got dumped so she could have been sidetracked just long enough for him to get down into his little mousie burrow.

I shall never trap a mouse in the hope of its being eaten ever again.